It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
