Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
