I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
