He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
