i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
