Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
