My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
