bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
