You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
