my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
