After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
