remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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