I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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