Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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