did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At least make sure they are 18
Why
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
