between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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