Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
