I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
