if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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