this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
