none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
