I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
