I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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