i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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