my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My dick has a subreddit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
