dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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