just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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