well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
