Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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