He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
