Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i've created a new STD.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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