trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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