We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
