I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
