let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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