i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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