i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
