My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
