im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
