oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
