did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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