my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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