So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
