I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
