In the future we'll all be gay
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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