if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
