time to smoke my breakfast
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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