"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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