Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
