I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize