How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
